I have thought
about Emerson’s first birthday pretty much since the day after she was born.
This week is kind of a weeklong anniversary of days we didn’t know would be our last with Emerson. Yesterday (July 25) marked the 1-year anniversary of my last prenatal appointment in which everything was normal and Emerson had a great heartbeat. Today marks the 1-year anniversary of the last movements I felt from her. Tomorrow will be 1 year since I realized she hadn’t moved and confirmed her heart had stopped and Friday will be 1 year since our sweet daughter’s physical being was earth-side. It’s funny how dates are something you kind of cling to. They become so much more significant when you are grieving and trying to attach to anything that acknowledges your child’s existence.
I remember calling the nurses to take her at about 11 p.m. July 28, 2016 knowing when they took her away she would not be coming back. 8 hours with Emerson’s physical being was all the time I would ever get. In the days and weeks…maybe even months…I would try to just hold to every feature and the feeling of her weight in my arms. I would try to breathe in a scent from her blanket that I could directly relate to her. Anything I could do to somehow feel closer to her for as long as I could, desperately trying to keep it all from drifting away.
When I woke up in the morning it was with this fresh and raw grief and some shock and I would wonder what it would feel like in year and if I could even survive this heart ache that long. Would it always hurt this deeply? I would try to imagine my new life with this new version of myself. It seemed overwhelming to think that I would get through the next month much less the next year but I thought about it anyway.
Looking back on the past 12 months, I marvel that it has already been a year since I went through the most life-altering experience I’ve ever had (followed closely by my brothers unexpected death in 2012). I still grieve my daughter. As a human…as a mother…I will feel a measure of that loss every day of my life. I am living proof (as are many women I have met on this journey) that you can survive the heart ache that you thought would destroy you. This “new life” and this “new self” can be good and it’s ok for it to be good.
This week is kind of a weeklong anniversary of days we didn’t know would be our last with Emerson. Yesterday (July 25) marked the 1-year anniversary of my last prenatal appointment in which everything was normal and Emerson had a great heartbeat. Today marks the 1-year anniversary of the last movements I felt from her. Tomorrow will be 1 year since I realized she hadn’t moved and confirmed her heart had stopped and Friday will be 1 year since our sweet daughter’s physical being was earth-side. It’s funny how dates are something you kind of cling to. They become so much more significant when you are grieving and trying to attach to anything that acknowledges your child’s existence.
I remember calling the nurses to take her at about 11 p.m. July 28, 2016 knowing when they took her away she would not be coming back. 8 hours with Emerson’s physical being was all the time I would ever get. In the days and weeks…maybe even months…I would try to just hold to every feature and the feeling of her weight in my arms. I would try to breathe in a scent from her blanket that I could directly relate to her. Anything I could do to somehow feel closer to her for as long as I could, desperately trying to keep it all from drifting away.
When I woke up in the morning it was with this fresh and raw grief and some shock and I would wonder what it would feel like in year and if I could even survive this heart ache that long. Would it always hurt this deeply? I would try to imagine my new life with this new version of myself. It seemed overwhelming to think that I would get through the next month much less the next year but I thought about it anyway.
Looking back on the past 12 months, I marvel that it has already been a year since I went through the most life-altering experience I’ve ever had (followed closely by my brothers unexpected death in 2012). I still grieve my daughter. As a human…as a mother…I will feel a measure of that loss every day of my life. I am living proof (as are many women I have met on this journey) that you can survive the heart ache that you thought would destroy you. This “new life” and this “new self” can be good and it’s ok for it to be good.
I have a dear friend who is a brand-new mommy. She birthed a perfect, beautiful baby boy 4 days ago and today I had the privilege of meeting him. Seeing my beautiful friend, radiant with love and awe of her perfect baby, filled my heart with so much joy. I could not help smiling as she stared at her baby in adoration and shared some of her birth story. She let me hold him and I felt all the ooey-gooey warm fuzzies you get when you are holding such a pure and innocent baby. I am over the moon for my friend and her family. She has waited a long time to be able to be a mommy and seeing that dream fulfilled for her was amazing.
The first time I was really around a baby after losing Emerson was at Christmas. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law were there with our niece, roughly 2 months old at time. My sister-in-law and I were 8 weeks apart in our pregnancies. I knew they would be there (and of course, they had the right to be) and I was so glad they were there. I knew it would be hard to be around baby B so soon after losing Emerson and knowing how close in age they should have been. I held her and cried immediately. I continued to cry as I held this sweet baby and admired her preciousness while simultaneously thinking about Emerson, who was not here for her first Christmas. Baby B’s mommy cried too. She cried with me and she told me she didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t either this was a new experience for all of us. New babies are not generally met with both joy and grief. It got easier as the weekend went on but not without having to excuse myself throughout the visit.
So, today, when I saw this new baby boy born 6 days before Emerson’s 1st birthday and I was able to feel so much joy and love without grief battling them, I realized just how much healing has been done in just one short year.
I almost feel
like there might be a relief when we complete the 1-year circle of losing
Emerson. All the firsts will be done. We will have faced everything we thought
we couldn’t. Her first holidays, the 1-year date of finding out I was pregnant
with her, all the 1-year dates of our ultrasounds and appointments. Mingled in
with facing all the “1-year” marks were pregnancy announcements and new babies,
all of which were the epitome of joy and sorrow interwoven. Now that we have
survived the last year it feels like a little of the weight has been lifted. One
year ago, we wondered how we would go on with our lives and now we don’t have
to wonder anymore. We are never going to forget Emerson, we are never going to not
miss her and we are never going to not love her. Thankfully we have been lent
strength and grace from God and we know that He has answered many prayers
(including our own) on our behalf. I have said it many times and I will say it
many times more: While I would never have chosen this experience (of course,
nobody would), God has used it for good, for Heavenly gain and to help Matt and
I grow. We have experienced growth as individuals, as parents, as spouses and
as friends. We have been softened. We have felt more love than we knew we had
and every relationship we have has been changed, even if just slightly, because
of this experience.
We are in a good place (if there is a “good place” in grief). We do sometimes wonder just how different life would be if we had two toddlers running around the house and then are made more grateful for the one we do have. We talk about Emerson and can smile about her beautiful dark hair and her habit of keeping her foot in my ribs when I was pregnant. When talking about pregnancy I include my pregnancy with Emerson. She is still very much a part of our lives. She will always be our first daughter and our second baby and so during this week of 1-year marks, I will try to remember what her last movements felt like and what it was like to hold her and I will smile when I think of the 35 weeks that I was her mother.
We are in a good place (if there is a “good place” in grief). We do sometimes wonder just how different life would be if we had two toddlers running around the house and then are made more grateful for the one we do have. We talk about Emerson and can smile about her beautiful dark hair and her habit of keeping her foot in my ribs when I was pregnant. When talking about pregnancy I include my pregnancy with Emerson. She is still very much a part of our lives. She will always be our first daughter and our second baby and so during this week of 1-year marks, I will try to remember what her last movements felt like and what it was like to hold her and I will smile when I think of the 35 weeks that I was her mother.
Happy Birthday, Emerson Paige.
7/28/2016
7/28/2016
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