Today Could've Been the Day

Today is August 31, 2016. Today is the day that our daughter Emerson Paige was due to come into the world. A due date is only a guesstimate so it's not like without a doubt today would have been Emerson's birthday had she not been stillborn. Still, it's a "milestone". One of many we have already faced and one of many more we will face in the future.

Daughtry - Gone Too Soon

Today could've been the day

That you blow out your candles

Make a wish as you close your eyes

Today could've been the day

Everybody was laughin'

Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?

What would you look like

When you looked at me for the very first time?

Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

Such a ray of light we never knew

Gone too soon, yeah

We we're given our due date based on a dating ultrasound. We got a little peek at Emerson when she was still an alien peanut blob form. We were told this is the most accurate way of determining a due date when there is not a "last menstrual cycle" date (which there was not for me). As soon as we got home I marked every Wednesday with the gestational week I was in from January to August 31, when I would be 40 weeks.

I have been dreading this day since we found out Emerson died on July 27. I have been surprised to find today has not been as difficult or emotional as I had imagined. I can only assume this has to do with a couple of things. 1) We have had 5 weeks to process and grieve. While that is a very short time for a journey of grief and we are nowhere close to "done" grieving (if you ever actually get done grieving....), we still have had 5 weeks. It's not as raw or fresh. The shock has all but worn off and we have accepted this reality (as if there is any other choice). 2) Matt and I have talked about the upcoming of today for the last 3 days. I feel like we faced it before it even got here and now that it's here we've already sorted through the emotions of what today would have meant for us if Emerson had not died. Finally, we both were pretty convinced Emerson was going to come about a week early like Roscoe did so to us today was her estimated due date but we had our own idea of when she would be here (I was betting on August 24). 

Last night I worked a little bit on Emerson's memory book. I was also surprised to find this activity did not bring forth the emotions I had anticipated. There was a comfort as I read through each of the notes written to us in sympathy. A reminder once again in each memento made and mailed that Emerson was everyone's baby and that even now we do not grieve her alone. The grief of this experience has the potential to be so heavy it crushes us but it doesn't crush us and it's not too heavy because we do not carry it alone. God carries the heaviest part and the rest is distributed out to all of us here who love Emerson. Because of this Matt and I have been able to carry our portion of grief over Emerson and we are grateful. 

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I have found that my "moments" don't come at the "expected" times. You feel like there are going to be triggers. For example, today. I thought that because it was a milestone in this journey it would be a trigger for emotion over the loss of Emerson. I have found it to be more true that the expected triggers really aren't triggers at all. Looking at pictures of Emerson, reading her journey in my previous blog post, looking at her memorial corner, working on her memory book, certain dates, talking about our experience, etc. are all things I would expect to pull that emotional trigger but they generally don't. The times that my "moments" come are in the middle of an ordinary day when I am chasing Roscoe and keeping up the house and running errands and just doing the things that are mine to do...those are the times that a wave of grief comes washing over me out of nowhere. Those are the times that I think "If Emerson were here this is how today would be different." I take these moments as they come and I accept them and allow them. I don't avoid my grief or deny it. I just take it as it comes and am thankful that because of the prayers and uplifting of others and the answer of our Father in Heaven I am not consumed by this grief. I am also grateful for Roscoe. I love my role as a mom, specifically as Roscoe's mom and because of this I don't even have the desire to throw my hands up and not face life. There are days that my son tries every part of my being but there is not one moment that I would miss with him. He is our little light in a place that doesn't seem like there could be any light. Today is no exception. 

Gerrit Hoffsink - Still

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do

With this pain that I'm going through

But I know one day, God will take me away

And I'm coming home to you

And when I do

And look at you

My heart is healing

I know it's true

 Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we'll meet again

"Though my earthly hopes be shattered and the teardrops fall, yet He is Himself my solace, yea my all in all"