I have found that instead of asking why? Why did this happen to us? I find myself looking at it differently and instead questioning why not? I was familiar that still birth was a "thing" before I personally experienced it with Emerson. Personally, I have 2 uncles/aunt who had stillborn babies and also know several other families that had stillborn babies. I think I personally knew 3 outside of my family who faced this experience, but now I know that so many other people I know have faced the same thing. I would have to sit and think and count to even get a ballpark number of how many friends have come to us and said "we had the same experience" (most of these being from older generations). I was not naive to stillbirth in general, only naive that stillbirth could happen to me.
But, why not? Why did I think we would immune to this experience? Why did I think it couldn't happen to us? We aren't bad people but we aren't such amazing and great people that we should be so special as to never have to have experiences like this. I do have a strong faith and I know that God knows. How can I question someone who knows all? How can I question a God who loves His own so much that not only did he send his own Son to live the life of a man, to face persecution and rejection and ultimately crucifixion and even forsook Jesus and turned away from him when he was crucified, all so we could find salvation? All so we could have a hope of spending eternity in a place where there is no sickness, there is no grief and there is no struggle? Can you imagine such a love?! So, if Jesus, the only begotten son of God, the only perfect man, lived on this earth and faced all the normal temptations that every person has PLUS persecution and rejection and death on the cross, why would I be exempt from any pain and suffering? Even God's disciples in the new testament faced persecution, imprisonment and suffering. Many faithful servants in the old testament also faced trial and tribulation and experiences that were so....huge. Job, a loyal and faithful servant of God lost everything naturally...all of his wealth, his family, his health....but he never lost his love and he never lost his faith. The devil was personally allowed to attack Job and take everything but his life. Why? God said "this man loves me and this man is a faithful servant. Tempt him in anyway you chose and you will see that you can not shake his faith. You will see that even when he is stripped of everything naturally good in this life, my faithful servant Job will not turn his back on me." Even Jobs friends said "We would understand if you were angry with God. We would understand if your faith has been shaken" but it wasn't. Job was faithful. So, why not me? Why should I be exempt from trial and tribulation? I may not have Emerson....but I have my husband, I have my son, we have our home, we have our health, we are not hungry, we are not without anything we need and even have extra sometimes for frivolous things. So, Emerson died....am I going to allow that one thing to consume my being and turn my back to everything else that is good in my life? How can I? The beautiful thing about holding onto my faith in this experience is that God is able to draw near in a way that wouldn't have even been possible before. He sends a comfort and a peace that I surely would not be able to receive if I were to turn my back on Him because of this one tragedy. Emerson never had to face trials and tribulation in her life. She never had a bad thought, she never knew sin, she never knew heartache, she was never faced with hardships. She only ever knew love and peace and comfort. I never have to wonder if her she was "right with God" because she never had a chance to be anything but right with God. I never have to wonder, did my baby make it to Heaven? Because without a doubt, she did.
